Gabriel on Natural Hair

In continuing with pissing off various groups of people who happen to be my friends I will devote this post to something that touches me very deeply, Natural Hair. I will begin by saying that there is no other form of hair that looks better on a Black woman than natural hair (in my humble useless opinion). As a friend of mine stated; “How can natural hair not be right for Black women, it’s what we were born with” The current explosion of natural hair styles that is taking the ‘educated’ Black world by storm is proof that the best natural hair styles pWn the best processed hairstyles. Dreadlocks, braids, afros (pulled back with a headband or braids) and various other natural hair types are sexy. However…this is just the positive spin on natural hair.

These are some not so positive spins on natural hair:

The females with natural hair that are crazy black radicals that dub themselves ‘pro Black’: Besides (as another one of my friends put it) “single white females that are pregnant, new mothers or proud parents of multiple children whose dating history happens to consist of the darker complected male” who happen to be attracted to me there is another group who is tends to be attracted to me. This group consists of the ‘pro Black’ female. I personally don’t think that minorities can be racist against White people because racism is a social construct that needs to have the power to oppress backing it. Minorities don’t have this power. But…if I were to call a minority group racist, ‘pro Blacks’ would be it. They secretly hate white people, but might have friends that are white just to keep up appearances (No Glove…this isn’t me, I hate you). They ramble about how they aren’t racist, but let them hear that you don’t think interracial dating is evil and they will try their best to shred you of your dignity not only as a Black person but as a human being. They can be spotted because they normally rock wild Angela Davis afros and are stereotypically angry black women. They wish to shred every bit of European influence and ancestry from their lives that they can.

FIGURE ONE: You can also set these females apart because they celebrate Kwanza…effing Kwanza…

 

Females that have natural hair to rid themselves of European standards of beauty but still do White people stuff: The aforementioned group could be classified with this group except these women are not ‘pro Black’ at all. They try to be (much like Episcopalians try to be Catholics), but can’t quite bring themselves to do it. Because these women have one vice. ‘White culture’. They go natural to rid their own bodies of European standards of beauty and all that jazz, but still appreciate as much white culture as they can take on the outside. They have predominately White friends, live in white neighborhoods, enjoy shows like “The Hills” and “Sex in the City”, go to predominately White schools (don’t we all L), and date almost exclusively White men. Now I don’t care about interracial dating all that much, or people who are immersed in ‘white culture’. I just find it funny (weird and haha) how they justify the hairstyle choice. Oh well.

FIGURE TWO: “Like oh my gosh Shaneka…your natural hair is like…so totally awesome!”  

Females that have just decided to go natural and are bald headed for months on end waiting for their hair to grow: This is like a double edged sword. Yes, when the hair grows you will be beautiful and natural…but for the 6 months to a year (depending on how fast your hair grows) that you are bald headed…it is not cute. It is horrid. For people like me who happen to be (or have been) in a relationship with one of these people it is awful. They want all the glory and glamour of having natural hair, but then get pissed off when people think that they have a Y chromosome. If their hair wasn’t so short (or in a fade for some crazy individuals) people wouldn’t think that. So they shouldn’t get upset. It’s like a fat person being mad at people for making fun of them because they are fat…it’s their fault. They need to stop being fat. Or in this case, stop chopping all their hair off in one fell swoop and they won’t get that problem. But as angry as those people make me nothing compares to the…

Females that claim to be natural, but you really can’t tell because they just press their hair all the time: If people can’t tell you’re natural…then you aren’t. Simple and plain. It doesn’t matter if you haven’t put a perm into your head for a year. If you still have remnants of that original perm, then you are not yet natural. Don’t decide to wake up one day, miss your hair appointment, and then claim to be natural because you’re tired of White people’s crap. You were running late one day and it was a fluke. If you want to process your hair, go for it (women with processed hair can be fine too), but just be you. These women are on par with females who are my complexion (dark…) but claim that they have Indian in them instead of admitting that they are perm junkies…

I used to have a stronger preference, but given my experience with all of this ‘natural’ crap I’ve had to notice, endure, or hear about the preference isn’t really that strong any more. Yes natural hair is sexier, but I’ll take a permified, processed, woman over some bald headed militant any day. But that’s just me…

Gabriel on The Axis of Evil

A few posts ago I tried to educate people on the concept of giving back. Well…by educate I mean ramble about why it pissed me off and what trouble it causes. But anyway. To briefly wrap that post up because it is sort of linked to this post. I will give my opinion on giving back.

You can’t give back to something or someone that never gave you anything in the first place. When I do it big (one day…come on Law school!) I’ll make sure to take care of those Black and White and Orange and whatever color people took care of me after I take care of my family. Sorry, this doesn’t include Smoketown (the area in which I grew up in Louisville). While I’m sure they helped out a lot of youth, I was not included in that help. So…eff em. As for UK…when I make it…I’ll make sure to donate a little bit of time and money towards diversity programs focused on retention of minority students, but that is pretty much it unless they show me something huge in my final year here.

Now with that being said onto the main topic of this post. I don’t care about or disrespect people that choose not to ‘give back’ because of whatever reasons they had. These reasons could be about being shunned by their community because they talked proper standard American English or because they didn’t want to take advanced gym (yes it was a real class in several high schools) for three different periods just to play ball and waste tax payer money. Whatever the reason I won’t care until one actively pursues to destroy their community. Now one could assume that I would be talking about pimps or drug dealers, but these are small fries compared to the supersized (or large…whatever they come in now, I only mess with McDonald’s breakfast) trio that I plan on talking about. These are the axis of evil.

FIGURE ONE: Bob Johnson (L), Nelly (M), Michael Jordon (R)…destroying the world one music video, white girl, and sneaker at a time…

First I will talk about Nelly. While I really don’t have a problem with him the company he keeps is something to be suspicious about. It would be like if John Doe was hanging out with Hitler and Stalin…wouldn’t you be suspicious of him (if the answer is no, you’re an idiot). But yeah…I blame him for the massive phenomenon of white women in the Midwest dancing around in clubs with pregnancy dresses thinking they are sista thick and hitting on Black men. So Sistas…if you have a problem with IR dating and seeing ‘all the good Black men being taken by these White b—–’ then blame Nelly. Don’t blame us…yeah right. Snowbunnies! (Plus…how you gonna let Fergie go harder on your CD than you do? Fergie?!)

Secondly will be Mr. Nike Air himself. The man won 6 national championships in the most competitive field of players in the world (too bad he was a cheater and pushed off on that play…you all know what I’m talking about, and yes I am a hater), 5 MVP awards, 10 All-NBA 1^st teams, and none of my respect. With that kind of power he wielded (not only in the Black community, but everywhere) he easily could have brought attention to the struggles and problems plaguing the Black community. I’m not saying he had to be the Negro version of Bono, but he could have pulled a Smith and Carlos at least once.

FIGURE TWO: REAL HEROES…MINUS CONFUSED LOOKING WHITE GUY

It isn’t like people wouldn’t still love him, people love Bill Russell, they like Cassius Clay (mama named him Cassius Clay, immo call him Cassius Clay) even though he’s Muslim. So as one can plainly see…Jordan had no excuse. But even putting that aside (I like some athletes that don’t do crap socially) he comes out with his own line of shoes that are ultra expensive but highly revered in Black and impoverished neighborhoods. Now, as any child can tell you that if you mix a high demand with a high supply, but no legit medium to link the two…people resort to illegitimate means to link the two, like theft, drugs, or even in some rare cases murder. Thanks Jordan…for all you’ve done for the game of life.

Lastly on my unimportant hall of blame is Bob Johnson. Now I am against Black people calling any other Black person out on their Blackness by the slurs of sellout, or Uncle Tom, or anything of the sort. However…if I were to be for the slur slinging, this man would be number one on my list. I heard this conspiracy theory about a Black Greek organization (no…not one of the ‘divine nine’) that is considered the first one of its kind. I don’t know how true this is, but apparently the members of this organization were given the highest ranking status a Black person could achieve by the old white aristocracy of ‘America’ just to make sure that Blacks in general did not gain high levels of success and power. If they existed in this fashion, they would be Uncle Toms and sellouts and Bob Johnson would definitely be one of them…that’s all I’m saying. His network BET has made quick work in its 28.5 years to undo the entire body of work that 100+ years of civil rights that millions of Blacks fought for. But not only is he destroying the lives of Black youth and ruining the image of the Black woman here in America (not to mention across the image portrayed across the globe). Now he is extending his evil body of work into my other home country of Liberia writing letters promoting the stationing of lil’ ‘merica fighting force’s (AFRICOM) headquarters in Liberia. What a douche…