Gabriel on Natural Hair

In continuing with pissing off various groups of people who happen to be my friends I will devote this post to something that touches me very deeply, Natural Hair. I will begin by saying that there is no other form of hair that looks better on a Black woman than natural hair (in my humble useless opinion). As a friend of mine stated; “How can natural hair not be right for Black women, it’s what we were born with” The current explosion of natural hair styles that is taking the ‘educated’ Black world by storm is proof that the best natural hair styles pWn the best processed hairstyles. Dreadlocks, braids, afros (pulled back with a headband or braids) and various other natural hair types are sexy. However…this is just the positive spin on natural hair.

These are some not so positive spins on natural hair:

The females with natural hair that are crazy black radicals that dub themselves ‘pro Black’: Besides (as another one of my friends put it) “single white females that are pregnant, new mothers or proud parents of multiple children whose dating history happens to consist of the darker complected male” who happen to be attracted to me there is another group who is tends to be attracted to me. This group consists of the ‘pro Black’ female. I personally don’t think that minorities can be racist against White people because racism is a social construct that needs to have the power to oppress backing it. Minorities don’t have this power. But…if I were to call a minority group racist, ‘pro Blacks’ would be it. They secretly hate white people, but might have friends that are white just to keep up appearances (No Glove…this isn’t me, I hate you). They ramble about how they aren’t racist, but let them hear that you don’t think interracial dating is evil and they will try their best to shred you of your dignity not only as a Black person but as a human being. They can be spotted because they normally rock wild Angela Davis afros and are stereotypically angry black women. They wish to shred every bit of European influence and ancestry from their lives that they can.

FIGURE ONE: You can also set these females apart because they celebrate Kwanza…effing Kwanza…

 

Females that have natural hair to rid themselves of European standards of beauty but still do White people stuff: The aforementioned group could be classified with this group except these women are not ‘pro Black’ at all. They try to be (much like Episcopalians try to be Catholics), but can’t quite bring themselves to do it. Because these women have one vice. ‘White culture’. They go natural to rid their own bodies of European standards of beauty and all that jazz, but still appreciate as much white culture as they can take on the outside. They have predominately White friends, live in white neighborhoods, enjoy shows like “The Hills” and “Sex in the City”, go to predominately White schools (don’t we all L), and date almost exclusively White men. Now I don’t care about interracial dating all that much, or people who are immersed in ‘white culture’. I just find it funny (weird and haha) how they justify the hairstyle choice. Oh well.

FIGURE TWO: “Like oh my gosh Shaneka…your natural hair is like…so totally awesome!”  

Females that have just decided to go natural and are bald headed for months on end waiting for their hair to grow: This is like a double edged sword. Yes, when the hair grows you will be beautiful and natural…but for the 6 months to a year (depending on how fast your hair grows) that you are bald headed…it is not cute. It is horrid. For people like me who happen to be (or have been) in a relationship with one of these people it is awful. They want all the glory and glamour of having natural hair, but then get pissed off when people think that they have a Y chromosome. If their hair wasn’t so short (or in a fade for some crazy individuals) people wouldn’t think that. So they shouldn’t get upset. It’s like a fat person being mad at people for making fun of them because they are fat…it’s their fault. They need to stop being fat. Or in this case, stop chopping all their hair off in one fell swoop and they won’t get that problem. But as angry as those people make me nothing compares to the…

Females that claim to be natural, but you really can’t tell because they just press their hair all the time: If people can’t tell you’re natural…then you aren’t. Simple and plain. It doesn’t matter if you haven’t put a perm into your head for a year. If you still have remnants of that original perm, then you are not yet natural. Don’t decide to wake up one day, miss your hair appointment, and then claim to be natural because you’re tired of White people’s crap. You were running late one day and it was a fluke. If you want to process your hair, go for it (women with processed hair can be fine too), but just be you. These women are on par with females who are my complexion (dark…) but claim that they have Indian in them instead of admitting that they are perm junkies…

I used to have a stronger preference, but given my experience with all of this ‘natural’ crap I’ve had to notice, endure, or hear about the preference isn’t really that strong any more. Yes natural hair is sexier, but I’ll take a permified, processed, woman over some bald headed militant any day. But that’s just me…