I’m back from my vacation of Halo 3, the facebook application League of Heroes, and eating mass amounts of things that are bad from me to regail you with a tale of the future. By future, I mean when I get off work in an hour and a half. This will be a tale of the resolutionist. So sit back and enjoy.
When I get off work, I’ll be going to the gym for the first time in about two weeks because of the crappy holiday season that has just passed us. I, like many Americans have neglected nutritional commonplace in order to enjoy the past two weeks, consuming things that I normally don’t consume. I almost never drink carbonated beverages (known as soda or pop, but I will refrain from using either term as it is the subject of a stupid and irrelevant debate), yet I drank a grand total of 4.5 of them over the past two weeks. This almost matches my total for all of 2008 before that. I try to cook at home and eat lots of things that are green (and not green in the way that those eco-hippies have beaten that word into the ground but legitimately green as in the color that possesses a wavelength of approximately 520-570 nanometers) and leafy. However, I substituted this for increasing my daily dosage of v8 to superhuman levels to offset the amount of fried chicken and Chinese food I consumed. All in all, it was not a good time health-wise for Gabriel.
FIGURE 58.1: I feel like this guy exists…
But now that reality has gone back to normal, it’s time for me to get back into my healthy fat man ways instead of my plain fat man ways. To start kick start these habits I will be visiting my old friend the gym. Now, usually I’d go to the gym anyway and just keep up my gross eating habits, but it was closed due to holiday softness. So when I go today I expect to see….*squints*…yes, my psychic powers are enabling me to see large quantities of fat people and skinny disillusioned snowbunnies who think they’re fat from their holiday salads. These douchebags I just mentioned are the resolutionists. Everyone knows the resolutionists. They might be your mother, or sister, or brother, or father, or some distant family member. But everyone knows at least one. Hell…most people are resolutionists. There is nothing wrong with wanting a better body for health reasons or because you’re a superficial jerk (like me!) However, the resolutionists are not these people.
Resolutionists are people who ate too much holiday ham and were sitting on their couch one day struggling to breathe with their hardened arteries and pork lined intestines and thought they were going to do something about their decades of neglectful obesity with one trip to the nearest gym. These people are violently slapped in the face by reality when 15 minutes go by while they are in the gym and actual exercise gets too hard. They are bewildered by the fact that there is no motivational music playing in the background as they do jump rope and sit ups and the pounds aren’t falling off after three jumping jacks. All they can manage to do at that point and time is to walk around the gym trying different machines and polluting the gum atmosphere with their special brand of barbeque scented sweat. Then humble people who consistently try to go to the gym can’t touch a machine without it smelling like a disgusting amalgam of pork and ball sweat. After thirty added minutes of gym time spent wiping down every machine (not because you fear staph, but because you fear catching the fat) and waiting around for a group of douchebags to realize that they can’t bench 200 lbs (even though they weigh close to 300) because they’ve never touched weights before in their life you decide to go up stairs and do some cardio. But then the cardio upstairs gets taken up by some super skinny white females trying to impress whatever frat douche they hooked up with while they were drunk by spending hours on all the good machines (the ones with iPod charging capabilities) so you go to the elliptical and have to use the machine between two chubby females going 2.0 miles an hour, legitimately thinking that they are actually getting a workout, who also think you’re going to rape them and carve a B into their face just because you’re a large Black man.
FIGURE 58.2: Uses the elliptical…
So yeah…more or less, that’s what will happen when I get off work. I hate resolutionists. There is nothing work with being an idiot when you first go to the gym if you’re trying to get ripped or healthy. But at least have the determination to not give up after three days, which is the average for these stupid resolutionists.
