Gabriel on Snow

I really don’t like the winter. If I had enough money I’d go to Florida with all the old people, coke dealers and immigrants. But being a man of reason, a man of science, a man of understanding and compassion, I will debate the aspect of winter and its evil precipitation…snow.

The Good: The way that females dress. Mostly this is how snowbunnies dress, but the coco puffs are starting to pick it up as well. Ugg boots, leggings, and some random shirt that accents their breasts. This is probably one of my favorite fashion styles to see a female dressed in. Some might say they look like Eskimo hookers (I prefer the term Inuit, but whatever), but they are just haters. The leggings accent the lower body (in most cases, when they aren’t obese or on chunky noodle soup status) and I just have a thing for boots. Do I have a sick fetish? Maybe, but I like it. And females only dress like this in the cold. So, that is one of the good things about old man winter…his snowy grandchildren give a brotha some nice eye candy to look at.

FIGURE 56.1: 100% chance of snow….

The Bad: The cold is awful. It makes my teeth hurt from when I was 8 and decided to eat an entire bag of ice for no particular reason (although I’m blaming my childhood fatness for it). The snow makes the entire world drop down an average of 5000 IQ points per person. It doesn’t make any sense. As soon as flurries hit the ground random people want to go sledding down a muddy sinkhole and throw snowballs at each other. The people on the road slow down to about 2 miles per hour on the road while other rich douchebags in their Ferraris go about 80 miles per hour to show off that they can beat everyone on the road because of some deeply rooted penis problem.

FIGURE 56.2: Faster than sex with its owner…

These will be the same jerks buying Viagra from Mike Ditka during the superbowl and spending their children’s trust funds on transvestite hookers while claiming they aren’t gay. Also I don’t drive, so that makes walking in very problematic, especially when you have old Asian women following you in the snow. That’s right it happens…

Conclusion: The fact that snow is one of G-D’s creations and I should be happy and respect it is the one reason I don’t wage an all out war on winter (polluting and farting as much as humanly possible so that I increase global warming and thus increase the temperature of the earth, but that would just increase tropical storms and eff up weather patterns even more, but wouldn’t necessarily make the winter go away, which is why I think Al Gore is full of crap, but I digress.) Seriously, what in the hell did Adam and Eve do to piss G-D off so much that he gave the earth a 23 degree tilt to create these crappy states of existence. Everyone knows the story about the apple and all that crap, but there had to be more to it…I guess, I’m too busy to think about it. In closing, snow sucks, winter sucks.

Gabriel on Twilight

Simply put. Twilight makes you less of a man. If you are a man and you read twilight (or like it), well then my friend, your masculinity has taken a huge dive. Seriously. If you don’t believe me, then just think about who I am. I am a large Black man that lists Avril Lavigne, Rihanna, Fefe Dobson, Michelle Branch, and Kelly Clarkson in his favorite artist category. I know a thing or two about losing man points and street cred for things that you like, it’s understandable. Whatever, the point is, I listen to music. You twilight readers are basically reading chick porn. That’s right, don’t try to trick me with your “But Gabriel, there are vampires and werewolves!” No…there are vagpires and menstratingwolves you sandy vaginal shell.

The level of emotional content in these books is what made them so popular in the first place. One random unattractive, world of warcraft playing fem-nerd (that got dumped by her 28 year old boyfriend so that he could pursue other romantic relationships with Orihime and Sakura) picked up the book at her local comic-con. Being all emotional and vagina-ey she proclaimed to all 2 of her friends that the book was good. In usual female Oprah book club like fashion word of the mediocrity of the book spread as far as the legs of a porn star (which is very far.) Soon every literate, middle-class, White female everywhere (or at least most of them) started reading these books. Enough of these stupid people read these books to make a series of movies based off of the gothic misadventures of X chromosome and X chromosome.

FIGURE 53.1: Free with each movie ticket purchased!

Now, I know this might seem like I am being a tad judgmental on the whole thing, but hear me out. I’m right and you’re wrong. But, in case I am ever wrong about anything (except most things that I am wrong about) I pay attention to the previews for the movie on television. In the beginning it seems like the movie is going to be alright. I mean some dude smashing a car with his bare hands (maybe this was the hulk…I don’t remember.) It seemed like the holiday movie of 2008. But like most things in this world it disappointed me. Call me sexist if you want (whatever), but I hate movies without at least a moderately attractive female lead. It doesn’t take much for the female to be moderately attractive. I mean the Matrix trilogy made Carrie-Anne Moss look attractive, even though everyone in the world knew it wasn’t true. But this one chick who is the female lead in twilight is crap! By crap, I mean C-R-A-P with a capital “things that pass through your intestine into the toilet and stink for 2000 Alex.”

When I put the fact that the chick was ugly as my facebook status one of my old campers replied with “That’s how the book said she looked!” or some rendition of that awful excuse. I told her that she would understand when she was older. Dudes don’t like to watch ugly chicks do anything. Act, sing, dance, cook, clean, whatever. The directors should have stepped it up and pulled an M Night Shyamalan and gave the movie a twist! The chick could have been attractive! Or at least have had large breasts…something. Then maybe I’d be inclined to watch the ridiculous film. But because the chick is ugly, men have no reason to watch the film. And even less of a reason to read the book. You all make me sick.

Finally, I would like to put to rest any claims made by foolish menstruating idiots about twilight being better than Harry Potter. Harry Potter was brilliantly done and almost flawless from beginning to end (the 7^th book pissed me off a little bit). It has an aggregate of fans that transcend race, sex, gender, sexuality, socio-economic status and anything that would be a barrier. Twilight has yet to win over the male population, or Black folk, or lesbian females…etc. In conclusion twilight sucks so bad I didn’t even capitalize it unless it was at the beginning of a sentence. I know. I know. I’m amazing.

Gabriel on The Outcome

Well we have a new president. Yay. I won’t go into how happy I am or how much joy I feel because well, odds are every other Black and hippie owned blog is doing that or has done that in the past two days. I’m here to talk about the outcome. Or rather what the outcome wasn’t. Because you see, there were, are and will be many haters out of the woodwork that I feel the need to address. So here goes.

1. The world is still here: That’s right my friends. The world still exists. It didn’t blow up. The rapture didn’t happen.
   
2. The world has about a million more crazy religious zealots: Now I’m all for the walk with our LORD and Savior. It’s great. I encourage everyone to at least try. But, I have a problem when religion (mainly Christianity in the US) is perverted and distorted to try and disenfranchise a certain group of people or a certain individual that happens to have won the presidency. There are several blogs that talked about how Barack is evil because he supports abortion, and is friends with Muslim terrorists, and isn’t truly a Christian or an American (which is all jargon for “He’s a nigger! We hate him!”) One religious-political blogger who I will only refer to as Larry Who (oh yeah…that is his blog’s name…anyway) said that G-D told him that McCain was going to win the election. What a pile of poop! Yes G-D talks to people, but not in the prophetic way of the good book. Humanity in my opinion is too corrupt to filter out the noise of the world. But that’s just me being a crazy person. Back on topic, the blogosphere is teeming with douchebaggery such as the religious-political stylings of Larry Who.
   
3. Social Inequality didn’t disappear: Just because we happen to have the first Black president that doesn’t mean crap. Bob Johnson was the first Black billionaire and look how well that turned out. While I’m not saying that Barack is anywhere near as evil as Bob Johnson (or evil at all), I’m saying that we should wait to see the change before everyone gets all excited. I believe that change will come, but it’s not even the 20^th of January yet, Bush is still in office, and that red button is still sitting there tempting him. Also, just because one Black man became president doesn’t mean the minority schools aren’t severely worse off than their White counterparts. Or that the mortality rate for Blacks and Hispanics will decrease. Or that the average level of education attained will skyrocket over night. Also extreme sexism (of which I may have been a part of) has run rampant through-out this entire campaign. From Hilary Clinton to Sarah Palin (MILF) and the hustler produced parody ‘Nailin Paylin’ (of which a Hilary and a Condy imitator are a part.) Proposition 8 passed even though all the douchebag PWPs in Hollywood made Cali sweep John McCain out the door.
   
4. The terrorists didn’t win: Satan didn’t explode out of the ground in Iraq with a giant turban made of the American flag that was on fire and start screaming Arabic words that caused Christian brains to explode. Michelle Obama didn’t strut out onto stage in a foxy brown outfit and her hair in a fro screaming “Black power” as their two daughters came out with bombs strapped to their chests. All the Christian bibles in the world didn’t turn into the Koran. The story of Adam and Eve didn’t turn into the story of Adam and Steve. (thanks Cappy) The great “White”, “Christian”, nation of ‘Murikkka is safe.
   

So yeah. None of the scare tactics used by the GOP held any merit. Go watch this video. Eat. Drink. Be Merry.