Gabriel on The Mailman

Lots of things have a tendency to piss me off or cause me enough personal discomfort to ramble about them within the confines in my blog.

Last week (when this was actually written…I’m lazy, get off my back) the genius known as Plaxico Burress (yes that is his real name, no I did not misspell it, yes spell-check is underlining both names in red) who is a wide receiver for the New York Giants recently shot himself in the leg. Apparently he was in a night club, thugged out with sweatpants, a tall tee, jewelry, and most likely a new York fitted cap and a slew of snowbunnies (although reports of the last two aren’t officially confirmed.) He reached for something and dropped his gun and while reaching for it, shot himself. Now…I don’t know much about guns, but aren’t they supposed to have a safety or something on them? Why on earth wasn’t he using the safety? What on earth would possess a grown man to have a loaded and live gun in the front of his pants exposed to his other pistol without using the safety. At this point common sense gets thrown out of the window, and it is about instinct. It is the instinct of EVERY man belonging to a cognitive, sentient species in the UNIVERSE to protect his reproductive organs. It doesn’t matter if the man is a two year old or an 82 year old, it doesn’t matter if the guy is gay, straight, bisexual, whatever. The only thing touching the wang should be for cleaning or pleasure (although the two don’t have to be mutually exclusive.) He might just win the dumb F*** of the year award. He deserves whatever legal sentence and league penalty he gets just for putting his little quarterback in danger.

However, this sad case is just a side effect of a bigger problem in the world of professional (and to a lesser extent) college athletics. You have these high profile millionaires (or soon to be millionaires) who are targeted because of their wealth and status. Each time they go outside at night their life is in danger just for being ultra talented at a sport. Yes, there are things that can be said about the flashing jewels and ‘making it rain’ in strip clubs, but the fact of the matter is that these athletes that are being assaulted are the victims. No one (at least no decent human being) would claim that a woman who had just been raped was at fault for her being raped. Yeah, she could have covered up more or not been as misleading, but being perceived as a slut doesn’t constitute rape. Now, with these kinds of cases happening in the news all the time, of course young athletes (a substantial number of which come from impoverished neighborhoods and areas with higher than normal violence) would want to protect themselves with the images they are seeing about people like them getting attacked. Personally I have no problem with this as it is the right of every individual to protect themselves and their families. As long as people go about obtaining a gun in a legal manner and follow all the correct steps in getting a firearm, then it’s our second amendment. They should go for it. After all…

FIGURE 54.1: “It’s cold on these streets”

SIDENOTE: However, I do think that current gun legislation needs to be revamped. I might do a post on it later, if I care enough. Oh well.

Enter the mailman. He was on ESPN talking about something that he has no business talking about. He is one of the most outspoken people on gun rights, and one of the faces of the Black section of the NRA. Yes, I respect and admire the man, but he was running his mouth about professional athletes not needing to protect themselves with guns and body guards. He said something along the lines of “Who are you pissing off that you need a gun?” Well Karl Malone…here is what I think. You are Karl Malone. You spend almost your entire career in Utah (when you were out hunting little Mexican girls). Utah is the LEAST gangster state in the United States of America. I would say on the continent of North America, but then you run into that pesky Canada problem.

SIDENOTE: It has actually been proven with painstaking research that there are less actual thugs in the state of Utah than there are enrolled in college. Seriously, the US census did another study similar to their finding about real thugs in college (turns out there are 0 thugs enrolled in college.) Some might say that there is no number less than zero that can describe people. I say they’re wrong. Since there are less than zero thugs in Utah, every time a true thug goes to Utah (mainly for some form of athletic competition), not only do they cease to become a thug, a true thug in the state of California dies. Thus balancing out the universe.

I agree that many of these contemporary athletes are flashing their guns in the front of their pants to be gangster and stunt. But there are a few that actually care about protecting themselves and their families. The late Sean Taylor is a prime example of the worst case scenario. Many people believe he would still be alive today if he had protection (and I ain’t talkin’ prophylactics.) The most thugged out people Karl Malone had to deal with in Utah were belligerent Mormon solicitors and while they are fearless when it comes to spreading the word of Joe Smith, true thugs they are not. Don’t no thugs ride around on bicycles with helmets! That is not gangster. NOT! GANGSTER! Hall of Famer, yes. Second best player never to win a title, yes. Hood…not so much. Please Karl Malone. Have a cup of teabag…hmmm salty, just like Utahans like it.

P.S. I know this post was mostly about Plaxico, I don’t care. Save your comments. THANKS!

Gabriel on MeeID

Susan: I wish there was some way that I could link all of my profile sites and useless websites that I care about to one website.
Bob: Yeah, it’d be great if you could link those sites in one simplistic site instead of messy ad ridden sites that link to big breasted Asians fornicating with well endowed Mexicans.
Susan: But that’s as imaginary as a Black mother not on welfare.
Bob: Yeah…or a Black guy that doesn’t buy Nikes!
Me: Well fret not douchebags! MeeID is here!

FIGURE 39.1: “GASP! The internets did it again!”

What is MeeID?

MeeID is a site that compiles every piece of junk irrelevant thing that you have on your loser digital cyberspace world (read: profile sites) onto one site that is neat and clean.

Why should I get MeeID?

Because if you are reading this…odds are that your life is sad and pathetic. If your life is sad and pathetic then odds are you have profile sites to:

1. Try to hook up with people way out of your dating range, but you just put up pictures of your face and then the people you meet online don’t see your grotesque body. Then you go meet them at some mutual place and try to find them, even though they see you from their hiding spot behind the people fichus because they aren’t falling for your internet tricks.
   
2. Network because everyone that knows you in real life thinks that you suck so all of your social skills are terrible
   
3. Show the world how great you think you are even though you suck at life (this is me!)
   

You’ve convinced me oh grand pubah of logic! How would I attempt to get MeeID?

Go to MeeID.com and stop being so much of a loser. Use common sense and register. It’s very simple. If you can’t figure it out then you don’t deserve to have children.

Who made MeeID and why did they make it?

The creator of MeeID (well the one I know) is Lucas Taylor. Lucas is a 20 year old junior at the University of Kentucky. He majors in computer science (not philosophy…I know, something useful right). Lucas likes playing computer games and not snitching on a certain person for being late to his early morning shifts all the time so that said person has enough money to pay off his XBOX live account each month. Unfortunately ladies he is taken. His girlfriend (from what I know of her) is a very sweet person, so I won’t recommend he cheat on her with any of you floozies reading this.

FIGURE 39.2: Lucas Taylor…this picture will most likely get me sued.

When asked by said creator of Gabrieloneverything ™ “How would you describe yourself?” Lucas responded with “I think I’m a pretty cool guy, people might not agree with that, they might think I’m a douchebag, but I don’t…” But it doesn’t matter what other people think because…

He and his brother created it because unlike you they are creative and unique and will most likely be millionaires within the next few years. Meanwhile you will be living in your (mother’s) basement having self relations to pictures of lying middle school aged girls you found on your profile sites. Or shopping online with your parents’ hard earned (or inherited) money just so that you can look slutty and attractive to some rich frat boy douchebag, or some Black guy named TiJuan in your African American English class who is just so ‘hood‘.

In closing, you all should register for the MeeID site because everyone likes to be that douchebag that says “I did blah blah blah before it was cool”

FIGURE 39.3: “I did MeeID before it was mainstream. That makes me cool! Thanks MeeID!”

Gabriel on Interracial Couples

Usually I get to work early due to the lack of reliable public transportation in Lexington. I was sitting here today at about 11:35 AM when some douchebag couple came to the door of my work. They asked if they could get in because they had to set up some student computing account thing that I could have easily helped them with. But…seeing as how the lab was officially closed I let them come in, but didn’t offer them much help. The fact that they disturbed my 20 minutes of pre-work anime/manga time pissed me off, and now I have to talk about everyone who is like them (or at least three types like them). Interracial couples.

There are various sociological and psychological reasons for the massive amount of consensual (I say consensual, because back in the day Black and Indian women were raped and taken as mistresses so technically these were interracial, but not consensual…if that makes any sense) interracial couples that people find within contemporary society. Before I begin my lashing towards IRCs, let it be known that some people (about 5.3%) involved in an IRC are cool. The others (94.7%) are horrid. Thus, if people get mad, just pretend like they’re in the minority.

BMWF: One of the oldest archetypes known to this country (and the reason why dark skinned dynamos like me have specks of red hair and freckles…stupid Irish snowbunnies). This is how I see it now. Due to a sedentary life style, high caloric diet, and massive amounts of genetically modified food product (we will discount cosmetic surgery for now) that unlock dormant African genes White women are actually getting thicker. Some are actually developing breasts and butts that in some rare cases rival the best Sistas that the US has to offer. However, also due to the aforementioned factors White women are also getting fatter. Most white men don’t want any part of someone that isn’t a boney stick with a c-cup so they disregard White women now more than ever. Enter the Black man. Most of who can’t cope with the strong will and power of Black women and aren’t willing to give up their male dominance to their female counterpart, so they go after the more docile natured White women (not really docile. Just different than Black women who are perceived as aggressive). This is all well and dandy until the Black men figure out how well they are valued on the market. Basically for the thick, and fine White women (see below), they go almost exclusively to educated, successful, good looking Black men (or athletes), or White men who aren’t stupid as a pile of steamy ish. This leaves all the other douchebags to the bottom of the barrel of White women. So you have Black men who are moderately successful, decently educated, and not ugly, with skanks and skeezers from horrendous neighborhoods that just so happen to think they are thick, beautiful and Black just because they’ve swabbed a few Negro meat sticks in their day. Or you have lames and losers that don’t have enough confidence in their game to go after Black women and stick to lurking around White neighborhoods, clubs and the internet to get hooked up with trashy white females who have multiple children and only date Black men (or Hispanics that are dark skinned). And there you have it, the Black male, white female relationship…for the most part. In KY, and I’m assuming surrounding states. Sad isn’t it?

FIGURE ONE: Bus Pass? No! Benz? Yes!

 

BFWM: This is most likely the second oldest archetype known to this country. Basically when Black women (successful and educated ones) are presented with the options for dating it is go big or go home. Unfortunately this leaves a lot of people (Black men) that don’t match certain criteria out in the cold. Once all the “good Black men” get taken there isn’t much left to choose from so the Black women stick to their guns and remain single for a while. Then Black men figure out that through the help of Ice-T, Nelly, and Bob Johnson, that they can get White women relatively easy so they go flocking to their catholic high schools and techno clubs to pick up White women. This leaves the Black women furious and tired of dealing with the antics of Black men. After all they are successful and educated and independent (and all that other BS that Beyonce fools chicks into believing when she is living off of Jay-Z and her daddy) why not go after people that are like them. And who are the most successful and educated (and rich) people on the planet? White men! To understand the BFWM relationship, one has to understand that White people love a challenge. That is why Rocky is so popular. (Ain’t no white man gonna beat Mr. T in his prime, I don’t care if he is Italian…yeah I said it!) And why people always want to climb to the top of some mountain to die from lack of food, water and oxygen. With all the BS in the air about how Black women are hard to deal with, White men who have graduated with JDs, PhDs, MDs and MBAs from schools like Harvard and Yale see dating and forming an everlasting bond with Black women as exciting and a challenge. What pisses me off personally (and part of the reason I stopped my whole snowbunnies epidemic) is the fact that in BFWM relationships you see them at Operas and Shakespeare driving BMWs and stuff. You see BMWFs on the bus going to the welfare office. In all my years I have only seen one case that disputed the fact that BFWM couples pWn BMWF couples.

BMAW: Very rare, you’ll almost never see it. If one does then someone in the relationship is mixed (bi-racial, tri-racial, confused). Asian women would bring dishonor upon their family for dating a Black man and Black men would get clowned at cookouts and BBQs for bringing a 12 year old with them. Simple as that.

BFAM: Like Santa and the Easter Bunny there are figments of some guy’s imagination (see Romeo Must Die). Things like this don’t happen outside of those high school textbooks from the 90s teaching us how racism is over thanks to Abe Lincoln and his band of merry White folk.

FIGURE TWO: One has a better chance of seeing this than a BFAM couple.

 

AMWF: Almost as rare as BFAM. However there are only like three known cases in all of history. Bruce Lee and Blonde chick. I forget the other two.

AFWM: The most common one to date besides BMWF. Ever since the Vietnam war Asian women were viewed as “exotic”, “docile” and “horny” and all that other offensive crap White people make up about other cultures they don’t understand. So like Black men, White men few their females as difficult to handle and go after the Asian woman leaving her women in the dust to be taken to the top of a skyscraper by Lebron James. Secretly I think that two things are coming into play…the White man’s burden and his knack for super young girls. The White man views it as his patriotic duty (since the US lost the Vietnam…conflict…war…whatever) to take all of the Asian women for himself to successfully kill off the Asian race (yes Asia is a continent, but they don’t know this, they think that China, Japan and Korea are all big cities in the giant country of Asia). Also with the stunt that Richard Gere pulled in India (I think) a few years back when he kissed a (smoking hot) Bollywood actress at a charity event (kissing on the lips is extremely offensive in Indian culture), it can be said that he is trying to progressively teach them the evil their “savage” and “oppressive” ways.

FIGURE THREE: Richard Gere may be a douche, but his taste in women is on point…

The knack for super young girls started in the very beginning of the US (or white society…who knows). The founding step fathers (I say step because I’m not White) loved little girls. They used to take wives at like 11 and 12 (and that was before genetically modified foods…they had no excuse). Eventually people started wising up and realizing that pedophilia was wrong, but they still wanted to do it. So they created the ideal body image of a woman to be short and rail thin that way she didn’t have to look like a fully developed women and their desires for pedophilia could be fulfilled. But eventually they found it was too much effort to keep their White women they way they wanted (due to their forefathers knack for raping slave women) so they discovered Asians and coveted them their small stature, fish diet, and youthful appearance so that they could neglect their women and still fulfill their desires once more…without having Chris Hansen show up at their door while they were naked and holding a 12 pack of natty. As for Asian women…it would be best if people went here, that man is a genius!