Gabriel on Profile Sites

Due to the fact that I’ve been busy as crap working on getting graduate school applications finalized, and trying not to fail all of my classes this semester from lack of caring, I haven’t been on here for a while. For the 5-10 people that actually read this blog, I apologize. For the 800 people per day that come to this blog thinking that it is interracial porn starring Carmella Bing or one of those stupid natural hair blogs where bald headed women encourage other women to become bald themselves…kick rocks.

A few years ago (when I started college) profile sits were the new up and coming thing. Personally, I had three accounts. My first one was Facebook, the next was MySpace and the last one was LouisvilleMojo. On these sites there were very different types of people.

LouisvilleMojo was for indie people and yuppies that went to college for a year, majored in art studio or French film and dropped out because they didn’t want to be conformists. As well as mostly trashy White females wanting to hook up with mostly trashy Black guys and vice versa.

FIGURE 61.1: LouisvilleMojo PARTY!

Facebook (classic) was for people who went to college and you could be sure had at least some degree of education past getting knocked up in the 7^th grade and dropping out to work at rallys and not know what a deep sea double is even though you have sold it for billions of years. That is what brought MySpace up into the front running.

People didn’t need to be educated, or even know someone who was educated with a college email address, they could go to yahoo, make up some junk like gettenbred05 (getting bread as in collecting money) @yahoo.com and register for MySpace to be with all the other illiterate buffoons and child predators.

Because of the push from these types of people, facebook was forced (I’m sure it involved a billion dollar deal or something weird) to open the doors to the filth of the internets. When it opened its doors I immediately noticed a change. Suddenly, people who I knew weren’t in college and had no intention of going there (not that there is anything necessarily wrong with it) were popping up out of the woodwork. My wall was riddled with incomplete sentences and misspelled words. It was pretty awful. But nothing got my blood to a boil faster (other than the sodium from my superhuman chip consumption) than alternating caps. This awful trend of semi-illiteracy spans all female walks of life, but I’m pretty sure that it started with more of the uneducated types. Since I hate the caps so much, I’ve decided to give a guide on determining the risk my loyal readers may face, by describing what kinds of people use alternating caps. Hopefully when you get done reading this, you can defriend any female that meets these criteria (unless they have huge tits and/or a nice juicy backside of course.)

STRIPPERS: They get naked for money because they’re too stupid and/or lazy to get a real job. If you have a female on your friends list that is, was, or you suspect will become a stripper you should defriend her to avoid the terror of alternating caps.

TRAILER PARK/ GHETTO TRASH: These will be those people that snuck onto facebook when it opened up to the general public. You will be able to distinguish between these females and other types by looking and their music tastes and how many stupid applications they have. Odds are if they list Lil Wayne as one of their favorite artists and have the n-bomb strewn up and down their wall, they are trailer or ghetto trash. Increase the level of trash exponentially for each tattoo they possess. DELETE!

FRIENDS OF TRASH: The mostly good natured females that happen to have grown up with trash, but found a way to college or a decent job. They are doing well in school, but happen to have several factors that hold them back. One factor is the trashy boyfriend. If the friend of trash is a nursing major and listed as engaged, in a relationship, or married to some guy with three first names and you go click on the guy and he is in a city network, or doesn’t have any schools or jobs listed past high school. Then he is trash, and hence she sucks and most likely uses alternating caps.

FIGURE 61.2: Her major is nursing…

PARTY BROADS: These females are the ones that made it out of high school and had high hopes and aspirations. These are the ones that were pre-med starting off in their freshmen year and then learned that they were dumb and had to do something else with their lives. Oh yes, the dreams of living in Seattle while solving stupid medical cases (very similar to those of southern California) under the pressure of deciding which of their attendings they’d be doming up in the on-call room suddenly shatter when they fail freshmen Biology.

FIGURE 61.3: GOATS!

Gabriel on Resolutionists

I’m back from my vacation of Halo 3, the facebook application League of Heroes, and eating mass amounts of things that are bad from me to regail you with a tale of the future. By future, I mean when I get off work in an hour and a half. This will be a tale of the resolutionist. So sit back and enjoy.

When I get off work, I’ll be going to the gym for the first time in about two weeks because of the crappy holiday season that has just passed us. I, like many Americans have neglected nutritional commonplace in order to enjoy the past two weeks, consuming things that I normally don’t consume. I almost never drink carbonated beverages (known as soda or pop, but I will refrain from using either term as it is the subject of a stupid and irrelevant debate), yet I drank a grand total of 4.5 of them over the past two weeks. This almost matches my total for all of 2008 before that. I try to cook at home and eat lots of things that are green (and not green in the way that those eco-hippies have beaten that word into the ground but legitimately green as in the color that possesses a wavelength of approximately 520-570 nanometers) and leafy. However, I substituted this for increasing my daily dosage of v8 to superhuman levels to offset the amount of fried chicken and Chinese food I consumed. All in all, it was not a good time health-wise for Gabriel.

FIGURE 58.1: I feel like this guy exists…

But now that reality has gone back to normal, it’s time for me to get back into my healthy fat man ways instead of my plain fat man ways. To start kick start these habits I will be visiting my old friend the gym. Now, usually I’d go to the gym anyway and just keep up my gross eating habits, but it was closed due to holiday softness. So when I go today I expect to see….*squints*…yes, my psychic powers are enabling me to see large quantities of fat people and skinny disillusioned snowbunnies who think they’re fat from their holiday salads. These douchebags I just mentioned are the resolutionists. Everyone knows the resolutionists. They might be your mother, or sister, or brother, or father, or some distant family member. But everyone knows at least one. Hell…most people are resolutionists. There is nothing wrong with wanting a better body for health reasons or because you’re a superficial jerk (like me!) However, the resolutionists are not these people.

Resolutionists are people who ate too much holiday ham and were sitting on their couch one day struggling to breathe with their hardened arteries and pork lined intestines and thought they were going to do something about their decades of neglectful obesity with one trip to the nearest gym. These people are violently slapped in the face by reality when 15 minutes go by while they are in the gym and actual exercise gets too hard. They are bewildered by the fact that there is no motivational music playing in the background as they do jump rope and sit ups and the pounds aren’t falling off after three jumping jacks. All they can manage to do at that point and time is to walk around the gym trying different machines and polluting the gum atmosphere with their special brand of barbeque scented sweat. Then humble people who consistently try to go to the gym can’t touch a machine without it smelling like a disgusting amalgam of pork and ball sweat. After thirty added minutes of gym time spent wiping down every machine (not because you fear staph, but because you fear catching the fat) and waiting around for a group of douchebags to realize that they can’t bench 200 lbs (even though they weigh close to 300) because they’ve never touched weights before in their life you decide to go up stairs and do some cardio. But then the cardio upstairs gets taken up by some super skinny white females trying to impress whatever frat douche they hooked up with while they were drunk by spending hours on all the good machines (the ones with iPod charging capabilities) so you go to the elliptical and have to use the machine between two chubby females going 2.0 miles an hour, legitimately thinking that they are actually getting a workout, who also think you’re going to rape them and carve a B into their face just because you’re a large Black man.

FIGURE 58.2: Uses the elliptical…

So yeah…more or less, that’s what will happen when I get off work. I hate resolutionists. There is nothing work with being an idiot when you first go to the gym if you’re trying to get ripped or healthy. But at least have the determination to not give up after three days, which is the average for these stupid resolutionists.

Gabriel on Catholic Schools

Before I begin this blog I would like to say that I do not mean to offend any of you red headed, freckled, pale skinned, potato eating, lacrosse playing, mommy and daddy pay college tuition on your middle school education, “help father O’Shennanigans touched me in the back room”, types of people in the world. I have nothing against you, do what you do. Catholics are cool people for the most part.

Anyway, today I went to the gym, lifted and fast walked/ jogged for a little while. But in between banging weights and doing cardio to the talented stylings of Ms. Kelly Clarkson (or is it Mrs. Kelly Clarkson? Is she married? She should be. She has one of the fattest/phattest booties I have ever seen on a White female…someone needs to lock that down, but then there is the problem of having a wife more famous than you, which most dudes can’t deal with…but that’s another topic, back on story) I saw a sundry of dudes there all with some form of catholic school paraphernalia. The school of choice (apparently) was St. Xavier (Louisville, KY). This just got me thinking about life and wondering about stuff. Deep, I know. Why on earth would anyone send their child to catholic school and pay all of that tuition to have them end up at UK.

FIGURE 57.1: Public School worked well for him…

Most people might stop me here and say “But Gabriel, catholic school is better than Public school, and the system works, and <blah, blah, blah>” The system doesn’t friggin work. Do you know how many catholic school people I know or have known at some point in my life? The answer is billions. I worked with most of them for my summer camp job, and those were the good ones (females.) Out of every catholic high school student that I knew about 25% of them stayed in the school their entire career and have ended up going to college. Most of them drop out and go to schools like Atherton or Butler and then proceed to get pregnant and fail at life once they receive their certificate of having some form of human consciousness (also known as the High School Diploma.) These are the sorts of things that make me angry. Whenever people deal with money (in almost any form) they should think of it like the stock market or a business. If I decide to spend extra money on my child’s schooling then I better see return on that crap as soon as the check clears (or debit card payment in the future most likely…crazy technology.) If I were to send my child to a catholic school they better end up going to MIT or Stanford or some crap to major in genetic engineering or physics, or something that can help not send me to a “retirement home” (I wonder what those places will be called in the future. Our generation won’t have retirement because of all the baby boomers have multiple kids and living to be 130 years old…maybe they’ll be called privatization of social security screwed you over and now you live in an abandoned prison homes…oh well.) Instead almost all of these catholic school clowns drained 60,000 out of their parent’s bank account to stay in state and major in exercise science and literature while they get drunk and throw around their panties every weekend in order to land some rich husband that has decided to do something useful with his time in college.

Not to mention the fact that they end up going to the same school as people like me, who graduated high school with a sub 2.0 GPA. If there is any douchebag like myself at any college that I have to personally pay for, I will feel I have failed as a parent. But that doesn’t matter to parents who send their children to these catholic schools. Especially the father. Catholic high schools usually have better athletics than most (because they recruit started in day care and have millions of dollars to pump into designer drugs and equipment…oops, did I say that, anyway) and the father wants his kid to be the next quarter back for the best team in the state failing to realize that the other 99.999998272 percent of the people in the city want the same thing for their son(s) who also happen to be going to these same schools. But screw it, in the immortal words of the President-Ninja George W. Bush ‘it’s their money, they paid for it’.

The only redeeming qualities about catholic schools are the females that go there. I went to high school down the street from Assumption. A bunch of sexy females all participating in athletics (mainly volleyball and basketball) that do laps around the tennis courts on hot spring days wearing scantily clad shards clothing was just amazing!

FIGURE 57.2: A nice (Black) example of why half the guys on my high school team even played tennis.

Which is another reason my daughter won’t go to catholic school, I don’t need some perverted minded kids hitting on her at Krispy Kreme and on the TARC while she’s a freshmen and those douches are juniors and seniors…stupid Karma…that’s why I don’t believe in it. It’s dumb.