Gabriel on Profile Sites

Due to the fact that I’ve been busy as crap working on getting graduate school applications finalized, and trying not to fail all of my classes this semester from lack of caring, I haven’t been on here for a while. For the 5-10 people that actually read this blog, I apologize. For the 800 people per day that come to this blog thinking that it is interracial porn starring Carmella Bing or one of those stupid natural hair blogs where bald headed women encourage other women to become bald themselves…kick rocks.

A few years ago (when I started college) profile sits were the new up and coming thing. Personally, I had three accounts. My first one was Facebook, the next was MySpace and the last one was LouisvilleMojo. On these sites there were very different types of people.

LouisvilleMojo was for indie people and yuppies that went to college for a year, majored in art studio or French film and dropped out because they didn’t want to be conformists. As well as mostly trashy White females wanting to hook up with mostly trashy Black guys and vice versa.

FIGURE 61.1: LouisvilleMojo PARTY!

Facebook (classic) was for people who went to college and you could be sure had at least some degree of education past getting knocked up in the 7^th grade and dropping out to work at rallys and not know what a deep sea double is even though you have sold it for billions of years. That is what brought MySpace up into the front running.

People didn’t need to be educated, or even know someone who was educated with a college email address, they could go to yahoo, make up some junk like gettenbred05 (getting bread as in collecting money) @yahoo.com and register for MySpace to be with all the other illiterate buffoons and child predators.

Because of the push from these types of people, facebook was forced (I’m sure it involved a billion dollar deal or something weird) to open the doors to the filth of the internets. When it opened its doors I immediately noticed a change. Suddenly, people who I knew weren’t in college and had no intention of going there (not that there is anything necessarily wrong with it) were popping up out of the woodwork. My wall was riddled with incomplete sentences and misspelled words. It was pretty awful. But nothing got my blood to a boil faster (other than the sodium from my superhuman chip consumption) than alternating caps. This awful trend of semi-illiteracy spans all female walks of life, but I’m pretty sure that it started with more of the uneducated types. Since I hate the caps so much, I’ve decided to give a guide on determining the risk my loyal readers may face, by describing what kinds of people use alternating caps. Hopefully when you get done reading this, you can defriend any female that meets these criteria (unless they have huge tits and/or a nice juicy backside of course.)

STRIPPERS: They get naked for money because they’re too stupid and/or lazy to get a real job. If you have a female on your friends list that is, was, or you suspect will become a stripper you should defriend her to avoid the terror of alternating caps.

TRAILER PARK/ GHETTO TRASH: These will be those people that snuck onto facebook when it opened up to the general public. You will be able to distinguish between these females and other types by looking and their music tastes and how many stupid applications they have. Odds are if they list Lil Wayne as one of their favorite artists and have the n-bomb strewn up and down their wall, they are trailer or ghetto trash. Increase the level of trash exponentially for each tattoo they possess. DELETE!

FRIENDS OF TRASH: The mostly good natured females that happen to have grown up with trash, but found a way to college or a decent job. They are doing well in school, but happen to have several factors that hold them back. One factor is the trashy boyfriend. If the friend of trash is a nursing major and listed as engaged, in a relationship, or married to some guy with three first names and you go click on the guy and he is in a city network, or doesn’t have any schools or jobs listed past high school. Then he is trash, and hence she sucks and most likely uses alternating caps.

FIGURE 61.2: Her major is nursing…

PARTY BROADS: These females are the ones that made it out of high school and had high hopes and aspirations. These are the ones that were pre-med starting off in their freshmen year and then learned that they were dumb and had to do something else with their lives. Oh yes, the dreams of living in Seattle while solving stupid medical cases (very similar to those of southern California) under the pressure of deciding which of their attendings they’d be doming up in the on-call room suddenly shatter when they fail freshmen Biology.

FIGURE 61.3: GOATS!

Gabriel on Sports

I love sports. I like to play them, I love to watch them. I like discussing them, arguing about stats, watching shows that debate topics concerning sports. They are amazing. This is what I wish I could say without looking deeper into the picture. Sports are great, but they only do so much. While I do enjoy watching a good basketball game (college or pro), or a good football game (most likely pro), I do see a vast disconnect in how people view sports and how sports should be viewed. And now, for the moment you’ve been waiting for, I will give my outlook on sports.

First and foremost is a problem plaguing youth in this country. Disadvantaged and advantaged youth both look towards sport as a mean of escaping/avoiding poverty, increasing social status and social mobilization into “the good life”. Instead of picking up a book, or reading further ahead in their math and science classes, they are outside playing in little leagues that are run and organized by their unathletic parents who are trying to vicariously live through their children (that is when those kids aren’t getting fat from junk food and Nintendo Wii…that’s right, Wiis are still videogames, fat kids can still eat and play the Wii. The Wii takes less effort than beating off…anyway.) These young children learn that athletics are vital to their survival and place too much emphasis on them. Yes, it’s important that kids don’t get fat and they exercise, but really, exercise takes like one hour a day, which is plenty if you don’t let kids eat whatever they want. Athletics should not compose more time than your child’s schooling. If it does, then something is wrong. If kids keep getting these messages, then they’ll end up working at a car dealership struggling to get by on commission because they were the star quarterback of their crappy high school football team (that went 0-11 every year) but couldn’t form a proper sentence or do simple algebra.

Last time I talked about how A-Rod got busted juicing. I won’t talk about it again, because he’s rich, and will probably make more money with his current contract than I will make in my lifetime…which pisses me off. But steroid use is very prevalent, and many people point to race as the reason. Lots of people have noticed the rise in performance enhancing drugs came when color lines were being smashed in different fields of sports. No, Mr. Criminalblkman didn’t show up in the locker room with a jar of Adrenosterone in one arm and a White woman on the other. People (Black and White) say that the influx of Black and ethnic players into sports leagues increased the bar for levels of athleticism. That’s right! Ty’L'Ron Jenkins used his negro legs, ran and jumped straight from the projects of NY into Miami, FL to play for the Dolphins. Apparently, since Black people were so gifted genetically, the only way that White players could keep up with the super Negro (descended from the greatest, biggest buck on the plantation) were to become super themselves. They obviously couldn’t afford to go through three generations of killing off the smartest and brightest white people while breeding the biggest, fastest, strongest white people and training their children in the fields for 150 years, so they turned to steroids. Well, if you believe that, my poor, Liberian-American behind has ocean front property in Colorado to sell you.

FIGURE 60.1: Proof that White people don’t have to juice…

For one, I hate it when people use the argument that Black people are naturally more athletic than White people. I hate it even more when Black people use the argument. People think that it is a compliment, but they’re dumb. If people take it as a fact that Black people are genetically predisposed to excel in sports, then people can say they White people are genetically predisposed to excel in the classroom. It leaves the entire realm of racist, eugenic thought to creep from under its bed sheet to bite us in the butt. The reason that Black people excel in sports is ENTIRELY social. If you go look at countries across the world that farm into our NBA teams, they are poor or war torn countries for the most part (similar to most of our urban/inner-city neighborhoods.) If people grow up in an environment that doesn’t have access to the best schools, books and other academic resources, then they’re going to spend their time trying to attain something that they know about, and try to achieve goals that they feasibly have the resources to obtain. Let’s see…read a book that has Ronald Reagan as the last president (when you know it’s Obama), or go learn to dunk in hopes to get broads, a fancy car, and some money for your family? Tough choice…

For two, White people don’t need to juice just to stay competitive with athletes of other races. It’s just another way to blame Black people for White insecurity. Can you imagine what would happen if Andy Petite was like “I only did HGH so that I could pitch against Black people!” He’d look rucking fidiculous…

FIGURE 60.2: Didn’t do steroids to keep up with Cochran…

Gabriel on Resolutionists

I’m back from my vacation of Halo 3, the facebook application League of Heroes, and eating mass amounts of things that are bad from me to regail you with a tale of the future. By future, I mean when I get off work in an hour and a half. This will be a tale of the resolutionist. So sit back and enjoy.

When I get off work, I’ll be going to the gym for the first time in about two weeks because of the crappy holiday season that has just passed us. I, like many Americans have neglected nutritional commonplace in order to enjoy the past two weeks, consuming things that I normally don’t consume. I almost never drink carbonated beverages (known as soda or pop, but I will refrain from using either term as it is the subject of a stupid and irrelevant debate), yet I drank a grand total of 4.5 of them over the past two weeks. This almost matches my total for all of 2008 before that. I try to cook at home and eat lots of things that are green (and not green in the way that those eco-hippies have beaten that word into the ground but legitimately green as in the color that possesses a wavelength of approximately 520-570 nanometers) and leafy. However, I substituted this for increasing my daily dosage of v8 to superhuman levels to offset the amount of fried chicken and Chinese food I consumed. All in all, it was not a good time health-wise for Gabriel.

FIGURE 58.1: I feel like this guy exists…

But now that reality has gone back to normal, it’s time for me to get back into my healthy fat man ways instead of my plain fat man ways. To start kick start these habits I will be visiting my old friend the gym. Now, usually I’d go to the gym anyway and just keep up my gross eating habits, but it was closed due to holiday softness. So when I go today I expect to see….*squints*…yes, my psychic powers are enabling me to see large quantities of fat people and skinny disillusioned snowbunnies who think they’re fat from their holiday salads. These douchebags I just mentioned are the resolutionists. Everyone knows the resolutionists. They might be your mother, or sister, or brother, or father, or some distant family member. But everyone knows at least one. Hell…most people are resolutionists. There is nothing wrong with wanting a better body for health reasons or because you’re a superficial jerk (like me!) However, the resolutionists are not these people.

Resolutionists are people who ate too much holiday ham and were sitting on their couch one day struggling to breathe with their hardened arteries and pork lined intestines and thought they were going to do something about their decades of neglectful obesity with one trip to the nearest gym. These people are violently slapped in the face by reality when 15 minutes go by while they are in the gym and actual exercise gets too hard. They are bewildered by the fact that there is no motivational music playing in the background as they do jump rope and sit ups and the pounds aren’t falling off after three jumping jacks. All they can manage to do at that point and time is to walk around the gym trying different machines and polluting the gum atmosphere with their special brand of barbeque scented sweat. Then humble people who consistently try to go to the gym can’t touch a machine without it smelling like a disgusting amalgam of pork and ball sweat. After thirty added minutes of gym time spent wiping down every machine (not because you fear staph, but because you fear catching the fat) and waiting around for a group of douchebags to realize that they can’t bench 200 lbs (even though they weigh close to 300) because they’ve never touched weights before in their life you decide to go up stairs and do some cardio. But then the cardio upstairs gets taken up by some super skinny white females trying to impress whatever frat douche they hooked up with while they were drunk by spending hours on all the good machines (the ones with iPod charging capabilities) so you go to the elliptical and have to use the machine between two chubby females going 2.0 miles an hour, legitimately thinking that they are actually getting a workout, who also think you’re going to rape them and carve a B into their face just because you’re a large Black man.

FIGURE 58.2: Uses the elliptical…

So yeah…more or less, that’s what will happen when I get off work. I hate resolutionists. There is nothing work with being an idiot when you first go to the gym if you’re trying to get ripped or healthy. But at least have the determination to not give up after three days, which is the average for these stupid resolutionists.