Gabriel on Sports

I love sports. I like to play them, I love to watch them. I like discussing them, arguing about stats, watching shows that debate topics concerning sports. They are amazing. This is what I wish I could say without looking deeper into the picture. Sports are great, but they only do so much. While I do enjoy watching a good basketball game (college or pro), or a good football game (most likely pro), I do see a vast disconnect in how people view sports and how sports should be viewed. And now, for the moment you’ve been waiting for, I will give my outlook on sports.

First and foremost is a problem plaguing youth in this country. Disadvantaged and advantaged youth both look towards sport as a mean of escaping/avoiding poverty, increasing social status and social mobilization into “the good life”. Instead of picking up a book, or reading further ahead in their math and science classes, they are outside playing in little leagues that are run and organized by their unathletic parents who are trying to vicariously live through their children (that is when those kids aren’t getting fat from junk food and Nintendo Wii…that’s right, Wiis are still videogames, fat kids can still eat and play the Wii. The Wii takes less effort than beating off…anyway.) These young children learn that athletics are vital to their survival and place too much emphasis on them. Yes, it’s important that kids don’t get fat and they exercise, but really, exercise takes like one hour a day, which is plenty if you don’t let kids eat whatever they want. Athletics should not compose more time than your child’s schooling. If it does, then something is wrong. If kids keep getting these messages, then they’ll end up working at a car dealership struggling to get by on commission because they were the star quarterback of their crappy high school football team (that went 0-11 every year) but couldn’t form a proper sentence or do simple algebra.

Last time I talked about how A-Rod got busted juicing. I won’t talk about it again, because he’s rich, and will probably make more money with his current contract than I will make in my lifetime…which pisses me off. But steroid use is very prevalent, and many people point to race as the reason. Lots of people have noticed the rise in performance enhancing drugs came when color lines were being smashed in different fields of sports. No, Mr. Criminalblkman didn’t show up in the locker room with a jar of Adrenosterone in one arm and a White woman on the other. People (Black and White) say that the influx of Black and ethnic players into sports leagues increased the bar for levels of athleticism. That’s right! Ty’L'Ron Jenkins used his negro legs, ran and jumped straight from the projects of NY into Miami, FL to play for the Dolphins. Apparently, since Black people were so gifted genetically, the only way that White players could keep up with the super Negro (descended from the greatest, biggest buck on the plantation) were to become super themselves. They obviously couldn’t afford to go through three generations of killing off the smartest and brightest white people while breeding the biggest, fastest, strongest white people and training their children in the fields for 150 years, so they turned to steroids. Well, if you believe that, my poor, Liberian-American behind has ocean front property in Colorado to sell you.

FIGURE 60.1: Proof that White people don’t have to juice…

For one, I hate it when people use the argument that Black people are naturally more athletic than White people. I hate it even more when Black people use the argument. People think that it is a compliment, but they’re dumb. If people take it as a fact that Black people are genetically predisposed to excel in sports, then people can say they White people are genetically predisposed to excel in the classroom. It leaves the entire realm of racist, eugenic thought to creep from under its bed sheet to bite us in the butt. The reason that Black people excel in sports is ENTIRELY social. If you go look at countries across the world that farm into our NBA teams, they are poor or war torn countries for the most part (similar to most of our urban/inner-city neighborhoods.) If people grow up in an environment that doesn’t have access to the best schools, books and other academic resources, then they’re going to spend their time trying to attain something that they know about, and try to achieve goals that they feasibly have the resources to obtain. Let’s see…read a book that has Ronald Reagan as the last president (when you know it’s Obama), or go learn to dunk in hopes to get broads, a fancy car, and some money for your family? Tough choice…

For two, White people don’t need to juice just to stay competitive with athletes of other races. It’s just another way to blame Black people for White insecurity. Can you imagine what would happen if Andy Petite was like “I only did HGH so that I could pitch against Black people!” He’d look rucking fidiculous…

FIGURE 60.2: Didn’t do steroids to keep up with Cochran…

Gabriel on Gilligan’s Island

On my walk home tonight/today/whatever you want to call pitch blackness at 7:00 PM I saw a pizza delivery boy. He got out of his beat down vehicle (I desperately need my license) and went to deliver the pizza to a welcoming home. I smelled the Papa Johns pizza (that I don’t care that much for) and it smelled pretty decent. Then I caught the smell of some pork product and it turned me off of the pizza. After that I wondered what would happen if I were trapped on an island and all I could eat was pork product pizza. I’d be like Lisa on that episode of the Simpsons when they found a boar and ate it, but she was vegetarian and had to lick slime off of a rock. That amused me for a little while and then my mind slowly drifted to the concept of being trapped on a desert island. That is when Gilligan’s Island popped into my head.

I love that show. It is amazing. But there are several things I find wrong with the show. No, not the distinct lack of Black people (lots of shows were good back then that had no Black people…much like the first two seasons of OTH…ASHLYN!), but just the questions in the show that no one (I) asked. So here goes, what is wrong with Gilligan’s Island.

Gilligan: Why did he survive until the end of the series? I mean besides the fact that his name was in the title of the show. He definitely should have been beaten and locked in a cage for how many times he screwed up their opportunities to get off of the island. The only logical thing that makes sense is that he screwed this up on purpose in hopes of losing his virginity while on the island because in the real world he was too much of a screw up to trick some unsuspecting female into dropping them drawz. Well…that and myspace hadn’t been invented yet.

The Skipper: Why was he still fat (I swear in one season he was actually fatter) if he was on an island where the only thing he ate was coconut products and fruit? That doesn’t make sense. He was on a desert island and it seemed like he was on a dessert island. I’m fat, if I went to an island with nothing to eat but organic all natural products I would stake my best friend’s first born son on my fat behind losing massive amounts of weight and having my beard become even more magnificent.

FIGURE 51.1: What I would look like if I was on a desert island.

Thurston Howell III and gold-digging wife: These people were just obnoxious douchebags. It was like if they came from an elitist society where he was born into money and she slept her way into money. Anyway, all they did was talk about how they were rich and count their money on the island. I find it funny that all those suitcases of money that they had were useless because they were on an island that hadn’t been turned into a luxury resort (during the original run of the series pre-the made for TV movies.) Their suitcases full of money were reminiscent of the value that the American dollar is in relation to other superpower currency. Also, I found it odd that a rich old White guy was on a three hour tour with a female that was his actual wife. In real life, that crap wouldn’t have gone down. Thurston would have been plowing through a plethora of snowbunnies (and a few coco puffs to cure that itch I know he had from the stories of his slave owning grand pappy.)

FIGURE 51.2: The person he would have been with in real life…had she been alive.

The Professor: This guy was like friggin’ MacGyver, except he wasn’t because my dude RDA would have figured out a way off that floating dirt mound…or he would have called Col. Carter to help him out a little bit. But aside from the Stargate references, what did the professor profess? Was he a professor of nuclear physics? Of chemistry? Of biology? Because he has displayed a mastery of all of the above. Maybe the professor was just some douchebag that had a lot of books at his disposal and really wasn’t a professor of anything. Seriously though, that guy was smart. Those douches on the trip were lucky to have a thinker of his caliber on that cursed boat. Imagine if some hippie that wanted to see the ocean had bought his ticket before the professor. Odds are that hippie guy probably would have been a graduate student in a social science like Sociology. Can you imagine if the professor tried to ‘help’ the others on the island with a BA in Sociology?

“Hey professor, why am I getting scurvy?”
“Oh, that’s easy Gilligan, it has to do with the strain that society has placed upon your shoulders.”
“Wow, professor, that sounds like a crock of crap,”
“No, it isn’t. Durkheim feels than anomie affects everyone in a society where the division of labor isn’t as it should be.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means you should do my chores this week”
“Hey professor…”
“What Gilligan”
“Lick my balls”.

Ginger vs. Mary Ann: Mary Ann wins. Ginger was a red headed slut with barely any body shape and a very pale face. She was high maintanence and had a diva like attitude. It would be like dating Beyonce except without having a rich, famous, and attractive girlfriend. I mean staying on the island would be enough to force you to want to give it to Ginger, but that’s pretty much it. Mary Ann on the other hand was down to earth, nicer, could cook, was tanned AND thick, and wore better clothes. I’d let Mary Ann bare some of my mullato children. Every man on that island was dumb as crap for not trying to get with her. Plus from one of the episodes I remember she was single BEFORE the island. Dudes are dumb.

And thus concludes my three hour ramble.

Gabriel on Surprises

Certain things in life are surprises. When you think you did awful on an exam and you dominated it, that’s a surprise. When you think you did amazing on an exam and then found out you did horrible, that’s a surprise. When a smoking hot attractive person brings you fried chicken for no reason at all, that’s a surprise. Other things aren’t surprises. When a stupid White girl from the south with rich parents says that she is voting for John McCain, that isn’t a surprise. When you find out that your male cousin that likes wearing pink and watching sex and the city comes out of the closet, that isn’t a surprise.

The topic of surprises comes about because of the annual act of racist/racialized douchebaggery that takes place on UK’s campus. Last year on UK’s campus there was a cartoon in the school newspaper that was deemed racist. While the cartoon wasn’t especially racist (I thought it was actually quite funny because they used British jargon and drew some guy with a house robe, but anyway) the history of race relations in Lexington (specifically UK’s campus) wasn’t the best basis for the cartoon to even be put in the paper in the first place. About a week later (maybe in the same week) an acquaintance of mine had “Die Nigger” written on his dorm door (he’s Black btw.) That was racist. My point is that whenever some racist crap happens on UK’s campus, for most people it shouldn’t be a surprise. Only freshmen have the “innocence” to be surprised by random acts of racism that are plentiful in the land of the wildcat (even though all these older White students/people are shocked that it happened and only know about it because it is concerning that guy that is so well spoken.)

Less than a week from the election, this morning (right by my place of work), there was an Obama effigy found hanging in a noose from a tree. It should be no surprise that this occurred. In fact, I’m surprised that it didn’t occur sooner.

Many people speculate as to what will happen if (when) Obama wins the presidency. Lots of people secretly think that every Black person will run into the streets simultaneously and start doing the soulja boy and c-walking. While I doubt (hope to the one true G-D) that Black people don’t negate the win with random acts of ghettoness and red kool-aid drinking (at least not in public). It should not be a surprise of the abundance of smiling faces of the Negroid persuasion. However, no one really thinks about how random (racist/ultra-right) White people will act. But…people still speculate. I’ll give you all some insight into what I think will happen so that you all won’t be surprised.

FIGURE 49.1: Obama might be shot at, but not by this guy though…

FIGURE 49.2: White soccer mom demand for prescription pills will exponentially increase because of…

FIGURE 49.3: These types of couples popping up all over the place because of progressive White females wanting little Baracks of their own.

Happy voting…I’m going to sleep.