Gabriel on Profile Sites

Due to the fact that I’ve been busy as crap working on getting graduate school applications finalized, and trying not to fail all of my classes this semester from lack of caring, I haven’t been on here for a while. For the 5-10 people that actually read this blog, I apologize. For the 800 people per day that come to this blog thinking that it is interracial porn starring Carmella Bing or one of those stupid natural hair blogs where bald headed women encourage other women to become bald themselves…kick rocks.

A few years ago (when I started college) profile sits were the new up and coming thing. Personally, I had three accounts. My first one was Facebook, the next was MySpace and the last one was LouisvilleMojo. On these sites there were very different types of people.

LouisvilleMojo was for indie people and yuppies that went to college for a year, majored in art studio or French film and dropped out because they didn’t want to be conformists. As well as mostly trashy White females wanting to hook up with mostly trashy Black guys and vice versa.

FIGURE 61.1: LouisvilleMojo PARTY!

Facebook (classic) was for people who went to college and you could be sure had at least some degree of education past getting knocked up in the 7^th grade and dropping out to work at rallys and not know what a deep sea double is even though you have sold it for billions of years. That is what brought MySpace up into the front running.

People didn’t need to be educated, or even know someone who was educated with a college email address, they could go to yahoo, make up some junk like gettenbred05 (getting bread as in collecting money) @yahoo.com and register for MySpace to be with all the other illiterate buffoons and child predators.

Because of the push from these types of people, facebook was forced (I’m sure it involved a billion dollar deal or something weird) to open the doors to the filth of the internets. When it opened its doors I immediately noticed a change. Suddenly, people who I knew weren’t in college and had no intention of going there (not that there is anything necessarily wrong with it) were popping up out of the woodwork. My wall was riddled with incomplete sentences and misspelled words. It was pretty awful. But nothing got my blood to a boil faster (other than the sodium from my superhuman chip consumption) than alternating caps. This awful trend of semi-illiteracy spans all female walks of life, but I’m pretty sure that it started with more of the uneducated types. Since I hate the caps so much, I’ve decided to give a guide on determining the risk my loyal readers may face, by describing what kinds of people use alternating caps. Hopefully when you get done reading this, you can defriend any female that meets these criteria (unless they have huge tits and/or a nice juicy backside of course.)

STRIPPERS: They get naked for money because they’re too stupid and/or lazy to get a real job. If you have a female on your friends list that is, was, or you suspect will become a stripper you should defriend her to avoid the terror of alternating caps.

TRAILER PARK/ GHETTO TRASH: These will be those people that snuck onto facebook when it opened up to the general public. You will be able to distinguish between these females and other types by looking and their music tastes and how many stupid applications they have. Odds are if they list Lil Wayne as one of their favorite artists and have the n-bomb strewn up and down their wall, they are trailer or ghetto trash. Increase the level of trash exponentially for each tattoo they possess. DELETE!

FRIENDS OF TRASH: The mostly good natured females that happen to have grown up with trash, but found a way to college or a decent job. They are doing well in school, but happen to have several factors that hold them back. One factor is the trashy boyfriend. If the friend of trash is a nursing major and listed as engaged, in a relationship, or married to some guy with three first names and you go click on the guy and he is in a city network, or doesn’t have any schools or jobs listed past high school. Then he is trash, and hence she sucks and most likely uses alternating caps.

FIGURE 61.2: Her major is nursing…

PARTY BROADS: These females are the ones that made it out of high school and had high hopes and aspirations. These are the ones that were pre-med starting off in their freshmen year and then learned that they were dumb and had to do something else with their lives. Oh yes, the dreams of living in Seattle while solving stupid medical cases (very similar to those of southern California) under the pressure of deciding which of their attendings they’d be doming up in the on-call room suddenly shatter when they fail freshmen Biology.

FIGURE 61.3: GOATS!

Gabriel on Snow

I really don’t like the winter. If I had enough money I’d go to Florida with all the old people, coke dealers and immigrants. But being a man of reason, a man of science, a man of understanding and compassion, I will debate the aspect of winter and its evil precipitation…snow.

The Good: The way that females dress. Mostly this is how snowbunnies dress, but the coco puffs are starting to pick it up as well. Ugg boots, leggings, and some random shirt that accents their breasts. This is probably one of my favorite fashion styles to see a female dressed in. Some might say they look like Eskimo hookers (I prefer the term Inuit, but whatever), but they are just haters. The leggings accent the lower body (in most cases, when they aren’t obese or on chunky noodle soup status) and I just have a thing for boots. Do I have a sick fetish? Maybe, but I like it. And females only dress like this in the cold. So, that is one of the good things about old man winter…his snowy grandchildren give a brotha some nice eye candy to look at.

FIGURE 56.1: 100% chance of snow….

The Bad: The cold is awful. It makes my teeth hurt from when I was 8 and decided to eat an entire bag of ice for no particular reason (although I’m blaming my childhood fatness for it). The snow makes the entire world drop down an average of 5000 IQ points per person. It doesn’t make any sense. As soon as flurries hit the ground random people want to go sledding down a muddy sinkhole and throw snowballs at each other. The people on the road slow down to about 2 miles per hour on the road while other rich douchebags in their Ferraris go about 80 miles per hour to show off that they can beat everyone on the road because of some deeply rooted penis problem.

FIGURE 56.2: Faster than sex with its owner…

These will be the same jerks buying Viagra from Mike Ditka during the superbowl and spending their children’s trust funds on transvestite hookers while claiming they aren’t gay. Also I don’t drive, so that makes walking in very problematic, especially when you have old Asian women following you in the snow. That’s right it happens…

Conclusion: The fact that snow is one of G-D’s creations and I should be happy and respect it is the one reason I don’t wage an all out war on winter (polluting and farting as much as humanly possible so that I increase global warming and thus increase the temperature of the earth, but that would just increase tropical storms and eff up weather patterns even more, but wouldn’t necessarily make the winter go away, which is why I think Al Gore is full of crap, but I digress.) Seriously, what in the hell did Adam and Eve do to piss G-D off so much that he gave the earth a 23 degree tilt to create these crappy states of existence. Everyone knows the story about the apple and all that crap, but there had to be more to it…I guess, I’m too busy to think about it. In closing, snow sucks, winter sucks.

Gabriel on Parents

Parents are very influential in the lives of young children. Thus, when I see someone who is the biological father that refuses to take care of his children simply because he doesn’t feel like it (also known as sperm donors), it pisses me off. When I see mothers that cuss out and yell at their kids for no reason just because the kid is holding a door open for an elderly woman, it pisses me off. If you have a kid (and this applies to mothers too), then it is your responsibility to take care of that child and provide for that child so that they never go without anything that they need. The burden for raising your children should not fall onto anyone else barring unforeseen and uncontrollable circumstances. This post isn’t to viciously bring out the republicanism in me. But it is to say that one should at least try to provide for their children. If they can’t, then they can’t, but can’t is different from won’t.

A few weeks ago I was on public transportation (as I usually am) anxiously waiting to get home when the bus was flooded with mothers. How did I know they were mothers? Because they ALL had children (that’s right…multiple) that looked like them. One had three children with her, one of those children was in a stroller, and a fourth child was on the way. Another looked to be about my age (later found out she was nineteen years old) and had one child with her that looked to be about two or three years old. The last one had two children. They all got on the bus in a loud, ghetto, and belligerent manner (which I have grown accustomed to in this point in my bus riding career.) As soon as they got on the bus, I thought “Gaaaah!” and might have said it out loud too; I get annoyed and don’t know it sometimes.

There were many reasons I was annoyed. The first was the fact that none of them looked to be substantially older than I was (one was nineteen years old!). These chicks were having conversations about getting pregnant. The three girls/women/whatever jumped on another girl who happened to be nineteen and asked her if she had any kids. She said no and that prompted an immediate outburst of laughter of disbelief as they started to regale the entire bus with their sexual escapades. Apparently they used every type of protection in the world except for the two best kinds, abstinence and condoms (preferably Trojans…they pay me) and still got pregnant. After that rousing history on the sluttiness of trashy females these stupid broads started talking about their fears of their daughters getting pregnant at age ten. AGE TEN!!!! Why should that even be in your mind?! If you don’t want your children getting pregnant then teach them better than your parents taught you. And curb your appetite for baby making with Lil’ Ike, the ‘thug’ from ‘hop-town’ (Hopkinsville…a crappy city in KY.)

Another reason is that I knew where they were going. The bus I ride home most days goes right by the Lexington jail. Lots of people that ride the same bus as I do, get off at the jail either for work or visitation. Some of these people are regulars, so I just figured that the whole bunch was going to visit baby daddies (I’m pretty sure none of these females were recognized by the state as being married.) Am I wrong to think that? Hell, no. Turns out I was right. All ten of those people got off the bus at once. The pregnant one asked me to help her with her stroller. I said yes, but I should have said “If I help you with this will you stop getting pregnant just so that I can afford college for my legitimate children?” Maybe that would have pissed her off enough to get her tubes tied or something. I know she has Medicaid with all those kids.

The sight was just sad…I mean what kind of man would put his children through being raised by those females. No/very little education, no/very little income, no/very little class females. So, it makes you wonder what kind of men impregnated these females. Odds are they are low/no class, education, income males. I mean…they are in jail after all. And the vast majority of people in jail for extended periods of time (even counting sociological reasons for such happenings) are jokes. At least with all the people locked up there will be less people having weddings like this…

FIGURE 55.1: Keeping it hood…straight gutta…

The picture made me lawl myself in the pants.

P.S. In case there are any closet racists lurking around here one of the females on the bus was one of those snowbunnies…that’s right, you all can’t escape the wrath of trash no matter how hard you try.